Back to the Blog // Home // Alter Page // Alter Page

it's snowing again. it's coming down really pretty.

it's been a long while since i've fronted. i've had moments here and there where i've checked on folks, looked out to see what people are up to, but i haven't really had the gumption. i haven't really had the motivation.

i don't know why i've been struggling so much. i've found it hard to keep it together. i've had a lot of horrible thoughts. thinking that others would be better off without me, or fears of our dissociative and amnesic symptoms getting worse instead of better.

i've had my boyfriend, ryker, with me throughout most of it. and i'm so thankful to him. he really helped me keep it together. comforted me in my distress.

it sounds so strange to say. that a mere piece of myself is comforting another piece of myself. clinically, i suppose, i know it's just a way of self-soothing. that we're all one person, very technically. but with how it plays out, with how we experience the world, it couldn't feel further from the truth.

things have been rough the last couple days. our actions (and inactions) have caused rifts between us and our wife. she's been very anxious about her place in the polycule. uncertain that we truly love her. worried we're putting Adel over her. meanwhile we're arguing with Adel over things that really shouldn't have been arguments to begin with - and i'm not sure if it's something we should blame ourselves for, beat ourselves up for, or just leave lying in the sand.

it's exhausting to give so much of yourself up to others and not be able to take the time away from stimulating them or mindlessly stimulating yourself to actually spend time, meaningful time, with ourselves. it feels like sometimes the only chance we have to do that is at work (where we can't exactly record or jot down our thoughts in detail) or when the others are asleep. even now, i find myself looking over my shoulder, checking to see if akemi is stirring, or checking discord for notifications.

it's an addiction to busy-ness. and i can tell our patience is wearing thin because of this long-term overstimulation.

more and more we're trying to find ways to lessen that stimulation. the bathroom is a safe haven away from prying eyes and words that break up our thoughts, sounds to divert our attention and needs to be fulfilled. but i don't find spending hours in the bathroom to be particularly fulfilling. at work, we've been listening to meditations. at home, we listen to psychedelic rock. slow, echoing melodies that resonate and don't require any attention to enjoy.

and it's not to say that we don't enjoy the time we spend with our partners. obviously we do; we like talking with them, spending time with them, loving them and playing games and watching shows. it's just that it becomes far too much when we can't even think, and we're just floating from thing to thing to serve their whims instead of our own and becoming more and more lost in the process.

i think our focus should be on trying to make our space the best it can be. we've been listening to a lot of dana k white (from the blog/podcast 'a slob comes clean') and her approach to decluttering really resonates with our (likely/selfdx'd) audhd mind. her process is simple, hinging on a few key tenets;

• the visibility rule - you focus on the spaces that are visible first. this can be visible to guests as she suggests, or visible to you/your family (as a different podcaster suggested).
• the container concept - containers are meant to contain. that means to keep inside, but also to limit. you are allowed only so much as will fit in a container. a drawer is a container. a desk is a container. a room is a container. your house is a container. fill these containers with your favourite items first, then as you add more, decide whether you want to swap it with something already in there (the 'one in, one out' rule).
• your clutter threshold - how much stuff you can feasibly manage and keep organised. also, more loosely, how much visual clutter you can stand before it starts to stress you out. everyone has a different clutter threshold, and your job is to pare down your items until it no longer stresses you out and you can keep it clean/organised.
• the two decluttering questions - used when picking up each item from a pile/box/bag/cluttered space;
  • if i were to look for this item, where would i look for it first? - not where should i look for it first, or where the item would logically be. this is a gut, instinctual feeling. once you have a place in mind, take it there now. not later. not 'oh, i'll make a pile and then take it when i'm done-'. now. if you wouldn't look for it, you don't need it. toss or donate. if it doesn't have a place...
  • if i ever needed this item, would it ever occur to me that i had one? (or would i go out and buy another/use something else in its stead?) - this is hard when you're looking at the item in your hand. but if it doesn't have a place, and if you didn't even remember it existed? toss it. if you can use something else, go without without dying, ect? toss it. if you would, genuinely look for it, go back to question one. find a place or make a place for it.

it's a very non-emotional way of dealing with clutter. you don't worry about value. you don't worry about emotion tied to said object. you just see if you would need it, look for it, and if it would fit. and then you take care of it instantly.

in the past, duraeyan really struggled with this concept, especially as we were constantly struggling with finances. we could sell this for five dollars on facebook marketplace. wait and sell this for twenty on ebay. can't get rid of X because that was our grandmother's, and plus, she said it was really worth something when she picked it up at that yardsale. in the end, he's seen more from practicing abundance mindset, money magic, and clearing our home of items no matter their purported worth.

we've been working on the living room and the bathroom and the kitchen with this mindset in mind, but it takes a while - especially since there's so much to throw away, and with our garbage company, we can only toss seven bags of garbage out a week. but we're making progress, and the progress we make feels so worth it. we already feel a lot better overall, and the space we've created gives us momentum and clarity to do even more cleaning.

i find journaling a fine release. it takes all that i have held within my own mind and allows me to get it out, no longer held or stored, cooped up and rattling around like a cockatrice in a cage. our head is already so full of thoughts, ideas, feelings, memories, and metaphors. lists and lists of things with reference points all over the place. it feels like finally unclogging a drain that had been clogged for weeks or months.

perhaps that's why i'm so verbose, today?

it's hard to hit that same sort of release when just trying to press our minds into service. even as we dissociate and think through things at work, it's more or less like holding the stopper to a shaken soda bottle. just holding it. not doing anything to worsen or relieve the pressure. but when we distract ourselves, when we avoid the issues at hand, when we dig into others or do things other than focus on ourselves, it feels as though, bit after bit, we shake the bottle. perhaps it's been shaken from just being in our coat pocket as we walk or jog. other times it's more self imposed, shaking the bottle furiously because we're frustrated with ourselves or our situation.

(though, of course, the intelligent thing would be to slowly release the stopper.) i believe journaling is this slow release.

started reading a book about journaling from the 90s. found some more on anna's. i started recording some excerpts of it over in our commonplace book. its a cozy read, and i hope it can inspire us to do more journaling. or, at least, some more reflection.

i managed to do some cleaning. not much, but some. i cleaned off the table, purged some things we didn't need, and took out the leaf to make it smaller. next, i suppose, will be to clean around the table and fix the chairs so that we can actually use the nice, clean table.

hiii im maggie :) coleus got tired. he did a lot!

im also really tired, but im saving some books we want to read for later!